


hi bitches

by beyond_the_barricade



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c., Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Bad Things Can Must Should And Will Happen Dean, Blood and Gore, Cannibalism, Crack, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Love Triangles, M/M, No Sex, Other, Serial Killer Husbands, Strangers to Lovers, These characters do NOT fuck, Time Travel, Unrequited Hate, Unrequited Love, i guess, oh my GOD this is a sweeney todd au, this does not pass the bechdel test, which is also one of the things I am currently on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28103193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beyond_the_barricade/pseuds/beyond_the_barricade
Summary: this is gonna be my term paper
Relationships: Barack Obama/Hellers (collective), Bill Clinton/Misha Collins, Chris Fleming/Mike Pence, Joe Biden/Misha Collins (unrequited)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 60





	hi bitches

**Author's Note:**

> writing this specifically to fill in the 2nd "O" on princesshamlet's bingo card. I look forward to your projectile vomit fellow mutual. also credit must be given to my mutuals who had no idea I'm writing this (and hopefully won't figure out who I am) and also my fave discord server!!!!! y'all know who you are!!!!1!!1!1!1!! :):):)
> 
> I promise this is crack and that I can write I just choose not to. yes I am making this as cringey as possible yes you can make fun of me. 
> 
> drank like a lot of flavored vodka to write this. hola dmitri putin russiagate. 
> 
> please send me flames in the comment I'm a cold cold bastard and I need the heat
> 
> my creative process was 1) it's finals I gotta procrastinate 2) bill/misha freakout on tumblr 3) I make a joke preview of a fic summary with random tags I picked from a hat 4) andy greenlits it by not responding 5) I see bingo cards and suggestions (!) on tumblr 6) wait what if.... 7) here we are
> 
> I have tried as hard as possible to offend anyone who is in this as much as possible. other than chris fleming I think he would respect my work. 
> 
> I know nothing about any of these people's lives that I have learned willingly, and I do claim fully with this fic to cast harmful aspersions onto them.
> 
> if you are reading this fuck you

the oval office is a glorious place. wonderful smells draft through the air; wafts of sweat, coffee, disgusting cologne, men, the blood that covers the hands of all politicians, and, most importantly, cork grease from a saxophone. the phallic, gold instrument graces the holy lips of the current president, Bill Clinton, who is swooned for by all the ladies- and one man. probably more men but that's not who our story is about. one man. by the name of m*sha collins.

****

m*sha collins led the average american life. after the hit TV show he starred in until it's 4th season, supernatural, ended on it's fifth season, he felt depressed. he was lost without getting to stare weirdly at other actors and choke on gravel every day. he couldn't understand what his one true purpose in life was any more. he yearned for the old days- buried in his mind, there was a long-forgotten lust for a man that had been in his life. a gorgeous man, a man who commanded power with every stroke of his saxophone keys. m*sha made up his mind. he knew what he had to do. 

****

like one does, he time traveled to an alternate universe. it was fun, there was a bouncy house and a giant slide. if he squinted he thought he could see a kiddie pool filled with balls and urine.

****

"what? you're future me?"  
"yeah and your future kinda sucks. I'm here to take your place and fuck Bill Clinton like I never got the chance to do"  
"wait no I want to fuck bill clinton so you're gonna have to get through me first"  
"Okay"

m*sha collins snapped his past self's neck with a gay little twist that would make any self-disrespecting person jealous.

"well that oughta fuck with the timeline sufficiently"

****

apparently, the dead m*sha had two jobs: one at a local D.C. coffee shop and one internship at the white house. and he owned the coffeeshop! this was shaping up to be a vastly different timeline- perhaps one that would give m*sha collins justice. 

the next morning, he went to work at his coffeeshop. it was nice to have something he owned, a voloptuous building that sat at a corner street about a mile from the capitol. it was a dull day, customers lazily coming in and out, m*sha's hands going through the motions of pouring coffee and serving pastries like he had done it hundreds of times or more. 

after he was done with his shift, he walked to his internship. he decided to bring a few coffees, as a token of his appreciation. he also hoped to seduce the president. 

****

'quirky,' m*sha thought as an old, probably dementia-having man who looked suspiciously like joe biden ordered something strange. a black coffee with a single shot of blueberry in it. out loud, he said, "hiiii do you wanna go out with me I like your coffee order and your shoes"  
proto-biden smiled secretly and whispered, "thanks..... I stole these fuck-me pumps from jensen ackles"  
"OMG you know who that is???? are you from the future too????"  
"what the fuck man"  
"oh haha I was just kidding but do you want to go out with me"  
"no sorry I'm a homophobe"

"well HOW backwards thinking of you mr. biden," a new voice chimed in. "pERSONALLY I think the gays are pretty cool and all."

"ohh my god leader of the free world bill clinton????" m*sha gasped, fanning himself. "what are YOU doing in MY coffee shop?????"

"well that must be the worst pick up line I'VE ever heard," bill said, winking. 

m*sha promptly fell over in a dead faint, cracking his skull on the wooden cardboard bar. 

as he awoke, he saw bill clinton standing over him frowning. "are you all right, lad?"

"am I ever! I never thought a lowly intern like me would get to meet such a wonderful man like yourself!"

"well, I'm a big fan of your work at the oval office. all that..... coffee, that you bring to my loyal staff."

"AND your aren't a homophobe? wow what a perfect man"

"of course I'm not! however I will refuse to acknowledge this or do any work to help the lgbt+ community in my extremely powerful leadership position until it is politically useful to me!"

"handsome, smart, and not homophobic! do you want to go out with me Mr. clinton?"

"of course I do young man. we are now dating and I will quit my job as president of the United States to come work at your coffee shop"

"thanks Mr. Cli- may I call you bill?"

"sure why the fuck not"

****

the two lovebirds spent all their time at the coffeeshop. they even renamed it to a cute portmanteau of their last names- Collintons. they were in a real honeymoon phase of their relationship- giving each other quick grins as they whipped up a drink, rolling their eyes fondly as one another made a stupid joke, stealing kisses behind the counter whenever they thought no one was watching (someone was watching- but they never saw joe biden seething in jealousy in the corner until it was too late). 

but after weeks and weeks of the same repetitive routine, they grew tired with each other. they were snappish and upset constantly, until m*sha finally confronted his partner.

"bill! you've been horrible to me all day! get it together or I swear the only thing you will be serving are divorce papers!" 

"m*sha, you don't understand. I have bloodlust," former president william jefferson clinton sighed.

"what"

"I must kill! I am a violent person at heart, m*sha. I crave the slice of the knife and the mercilessness of the hammer. please say you will still love me, and stay with me no matter what."

"of course, sweetie pie. our love conquers all, and we will not be silenced by something as vague as the state's laws on murder"

"this is washington DC"

"oh right. no laws here anyway, let's get killing then"

****

peppa pig walked into the collintons coffee shop. she was wearing some excellent 3 foot heels, a drop dead gorgeous hawaiian shirt, and a pink sparkly cowboy hat, but smexy Bill Clinton only had eyes for her four gentle hooves. the perfect material for a high-grade gelatin. so he chopped her into pieces, slice by slice. 'mmmm bacon tomorrow morning' he thought with a chesire-cat grin. the gelatin would be used to make a delicious filling for a brand-new pastry the two would be premiering tomorrow. 

****

mike pence knew one thing and one thing only. he hated gay people. all except one. youtube star chris fleming. chris had seduced him into a wonderful caring relationship several months ago. he was very excited for their fourth date, where he hoped they would finally canonize their relationship. he walked to a coffeeshop where his honey bear chris would be. the door shut soundly behind him. he looked up at a pair of eyes that were probably a color.  
"hello my darling- are you ready to get some coffee?"  
and just like that, mike pence heard the woosh of a rather large hammer smashing towards his head. 

****

putin woke up, blinking. 'what a crazy couple of months,' he thought to himself. 'my thoughts and future political plans have constantly been consumed by the state of supernatural tv ship destiel.'

he looked around at the sky. he wasn't in russia anymore! his first idea was to go get a coffee, as a normal person would. he walked to a random coffee shop, stumbling in without a thought in his head. 

he saw a vaguely bald man standing at the counter. he sashayed in a very manly way towards him, tripped over his untied shoelaces that he had held hostage from former president donald trump, and got stabbed in the back of the head. 

as the light faded his eyes, he stared up at the vaulted ceiling. the final thought that crossed his mind was, 'I hope the season 16 finale was good...'

**** 

barack obama was a patient man. he could stare at the walls for hours, or watch paint dry. and he could pull off a really good longcon. on twitter, he followed person after person just so that he could follow a heller account. he was deeply in love with every heller there was, and wanted to kiss each and every one of them on the mouth. 

but one day, probably somewhere in november idk, tragedy struck. obama opened his computer and was instantly blinded by the hundreds of messages asking him if he was a heller. he could not handle this so he dramatically fell onto his fainting couch.

when he woke up, he was seated on the right side of a short coffee table. he stared up at his (former) friend bill clinton.

"hey bill, whatchu up to?"

"murder," bill clinton said without hesitation.

"haha you always were a funny gu-" 

and barack obama was dead, a spatula through each side of his neck. it was not a pretty sight.

'Eggs,' bill clinton thought. 'and cheese sandwich.'

****

joe biden was fucking mad. first he gets interrupted while flirting with the cute barista- what was his name- and then bill clinton corrupts the barista and they start murdering people! that was so not cool, man. joe biden was going to stop bill clinton once and for all- no more murder, no more FDA violations (serving corpses disguised as coffee and pastries to unsuspecting civilians? nah, man), and CERTAINLY no more OSHA violations (kept an ENTIRE worker an extra hour working on gutting people WITHOUT overtime). he was done with that stupid man. 

he walked up to the coffee shop unarmed. he was ready, better for them to be unsuspecting. looking in, both m*sha and bill were standing there, watching. he took a deep breath, and stepped in. 

bill glared. he knew what joe biden wanted. he wanted to take his livelihood and his m*sha from him! that would not do. he stood tall and faced biden, his posture not unlike that of a meerkat. 

biden glared menacingly, or as menacingly as one can when one's face is made up of almost entirely wrinkles and cheese. he knew it was time for the final showdown. 

he walked right up to bill clinton, took a jealous look into his eyes, and bitchslapped him so hard that they both flew across the room.

****

bill held a frozen thing of meat that looked worringly non-animal to his face, while m*sha stormed around and yelled.

"he hurt you! he hurt my true love! god, would I eat his heart in the marketplace!"

" I don't know what that means but I can get you another heart if you want? he just slapped me I-"

"killing joe biden is a must. I love spineless feckless liberals as much as the next middle aged white man, but he's standing between you and me, Bill. I would do anything for you. I loved the whole world because of you. I will kill future president of the united states of america, joe biden, to win your heart."

"dope. can I get a iced caramel frappe orrrrrrr?"

****

after a week of sitting in a lukewarm bath to heal from that hardy slap, joe biden was ready to try and save m*sha collins and kill bill clinton. he would save his true love, and destroy the one thing standing in his way of happiness. 

and this time he would not be unarmed. he had a fucking gun. he went back to the coffee shop, a now recurring theme in his life, and shouted to bill. 

"hey FUCk yeah you you FUCk I don't like you and you stole my man! I now plan to shoot you with my fucking gun!"

bill and m*sha froze in fear. they knew they were stuck. they had no long range weapons, and neither could risk the other to run across the room and stop biden. 

"joe... I know you love me, but you can't do this. killing my one true love will not make me love you. I need him. the world needs him. I will not let him die."

shaking in anger, biden ignored m*sha's words. he stared down biden and put his finger to the trigger.

m*sha flew across the room towards his love, knowing that it was too late to save the both of them. he watched biden's finger slowly move and stared into billiam's eyes one final time. 

****

but as joesph biden's finger pulled the trigger, in an alternate reality, destiel went canon a 66th time and the final seal was broken. the entire universe immediately imploded. 

except for two souls that belonged to each other more than anyone else. billiam jefferson clinton and dmitri "m*sha collins" krushnic. the two were in all of this together. like high school musical.

**Author's Note:**

> lindsey ellis voice: I think I got a tone problem


End file.
